A Life Changing Decision

In my mother’s womb, I felt the pressure on her, the life-changing decisions she was faced with: to abort or not to abort? I heard my grandmother tell my mom that her baby wouldn’t be accepted because he/she had a different father than her first daughter. I heard my grandmother tell my mother that she was stupid for her decisions and abortion was the easy way out. Abortion would help her keep her reputation. Abortion would protect her from judgment. Little did my mother know that her choice would eventually change my grandmother and shape my perspective of life as I grew older and wiser.
My mother’s choice wasn’t abortion, it was adoption. After birth, I heard my grandmother comfort my screaming sister in the waiting room of the hospital, ignoring the fact that her daughter was holding her new-born baby girl. I felt the rejection radiating from her heart. As my mother cradled me to sleep, with tears in her eyes, for the last time before she gave me away, I felt my grandmother look at her with disappointment. I bet she didn’t know that the pressure she placed on my mother would affect both my mother and I for a lifetime. I bet she didn’t know that she would face regret in the future.
Although I grew up in a loving home, I struggled to see myself as a valuable addition to the world. My father’s abandonment and my grandmother’s rejection weighed on me like a brick on wet cement. The weight formed my opinion of myself. From miles away, I heard my grandmother talking to my mother as if I never existed, while my mother secretly wrote me letters and visited me on occasion. From miles away, I saw my older sister sitting on my grandmother’s lap, being treasured for not being a mistake.
As a child, I was told I was important. In my home, I was treasured. Eventually, after years, I was able to see myself as more than just a mistake. It was summer of 2008 when I decided I was going to travel many miles to visit my biological mother. Tears fell down my cheeks as I felt her warm embrace in the parking lot of a local motel. Then, I felt my grandmother’s rejection. I became scared. I feared seeing her, although I knew I would.
I walked into the house, with the faint aroma of a vegetarian meal being cooked. I bet my grandmother didn’t know I was a vegetarian also. She thought I was a carnivore and would secretly laugh at me for not being like the rest of the family. After all, I wasn’t a true member. She stopped in her tracks when she saw my auburn hair and a face that remarkably resembled her daughter. I felt the atmosphere change as I saw my grandmother cry. Her first words being, “I hope you like vegetarian food.” I responded with, “I am a vegetarian.”
At that point, I felt my grandmother’s heart shift inside of her. This time, I could physically see her walk up to me. I felt my mother’s pulse rate increase with intensity, awaiting the response of her mother. Then, I felt my grandmother’s arms wrap around me. I felt acceptance. I felt her regret. I heard a silent apology. She stared into my eyes, cradled my face in her hands, and said “You look just like your mother. It’s almost as if I’m looking at my own baby girl.”
I felt my mother’s pain from within her womb. I felt the sting of my father’s abandonment. I felt the rejection of my grandmother. These things together making me feel worthless and unwanted. Then, I felt my grandmother’s acceptance. I felt her warm embrace as she apologized with her tears. I saw the pride in my mother’s eyes. I saw myself as a wonderful addition to the world.